[The auction for this object, with story by Dan Piepenbring, has ended. Original price: $1.00. Final price: $20.50. Significant Objects will donate the proceeds from this auction to Girls Write Now.]
—Step right up ladies and germs I said step right up fer yer chance to glance the World Famous All-Around Renowned Crowd-Pleasing Brain-Teasing Mind-Reading Dishware of Decatur! The Twenty-Seventh Wonder of the World folks a bargain at just twenty-five cents a view just twenty-five cents!
—Jeepers all the way from Decatur to Houston golly! Hey mister whudda them dishes like? I hear they’re all coppery some kinda holy trinity from ancient times got all kindsa bizarre fruits drawn on ’em what kindsa fruit mister?
—Step right up folks. Lookie emerging now it’s another bunch of sat-tees-fied customers tell me folks what’d the Mind-Reading Dishware of Decatur do fer ya?
—I can feel m’toes again! My teeth’re whiter!
—Reminded me to refill my windshield washer fluid.
—Brought me back t’behind the gymnasium bleachers Mayfield Senior Prom Spring of ’72 happiest I ever was.
—Gave me a hankerin’ for apples ’n’ oranges at’s fer sure.
—There y’have it people! More glowin’ reviews an’ high-flyin’ news courtesy of the All-Knowin’ Truth-Showin’ uh . . . Nose-Blowin’ Dishware of Decatur yessir! Now tell me who among ya dares to bare his soul? Who’ll swill the glorious Kool-Aid of Ages?
—Well I’m a man of God, probly shouldn’t—
—Sir never fear this here dishware’s God-fearing as Job himself now get right on in there that’s it I’ll just take those five bucks now ’n’ make some change when you come out enjoy.
—Everything kosher in there?
—Why, this dishware’s blessed!
—Uhm well yes sure—
—Saw the face of Christ starin’ right back at me from that illustrated melon slice! Praise Gawd! Gotta buy these for my parish!
—Let’s not get carried away nothin’s goin’ anywhere. I mean unless you’re Rich Uncle Pennybags.
—Rays of heav’nly light! Dunno I’m just a lowly preacher you mighta seen my church on yer way in, used to be a basketball stadium . . .
—Make an offer ain’t got all night.
—Well with the tithe and audiobook royalties minus baptismal font renovations, new hi-def TVs, let’s . . . how’s $40,000?
—SON OF MAN! You crazy?
—Fine, $45,000 then.
—Got yerself a deal shake on it you got a company checkbook I mean a church checkbook or I take PayPal—
—Who do I make it out—
—Be honored if you’d stop by Lakewood on Sunday to explain—
—Sure if y’need me I’m fetchin’ Peep Show Petunia o’er there at the Hall of Succulent Venialities hightailin’ it t’Vegas see ya!
—W-wait! Where uh where did you discover such holy specimens?
—Some kinda . . . French boutique, yeah ‘Tar-jay.’ Toodles!
—‘Tar-jay’ huh well I’ll be . . . wait y’don’t mean . . . ! Get back here! Why I oughta!