In the months before we published the 100th story in our Significant Objects experiment, many of you clicked on an author’s name — in the Contributors list, at the right-hand side of this page — and found yourself directed to an Object Coming Soon page. The page announced: “We haven’t posted this particular object, and its associated story, yet. But we will soon!” The following photo, taken in my living room, illustrated the Object Coming Soon page:
The stuff shown in this photo was collected one day in April 2009, at a thrift store in the Boston neighborhood of Roslindale, at a time when Rob and I were still figuring out the guidelines for what sorts of objects to purchase for the Significant Objects experiment. We didn’t always follow our own guidelines, but they went something like this:
* The object shouldn’t cost us more than $3.
* No furniture, clothing, or other stuff that doesn’t seem sufficiently object-like. Should be something you can hold in the palm of your hand, something that can be displayed on a bookshelf or mantelpiece. Should photograph well, and be easy to ship (i.e., not too heavy).
* Not too many examples of midcentury-thru-1980s pop culture ephemera — or else, after a certain point, the experiment will start to look a kitsch collection, or an exercise in nostalgia. Not too many toys, novelty items, or promotional items, for the same reason.
* Not too many travel souvenirs — because the significance of souvenirs is all too obvious. (Of course, a writer can invent counterintuitive significance for a travel souvenir.) And no art, whether “fine,” “bad,” “outsider,” or “readymade.” Why? Because an art object isn’t merely an object, it’s an object intended to be significant, meant to be interpreted. Which takes the fun out of our project.
* Not too many dolls, or figurines (human or animal), because anything with a face is an obvious magnet for significance-investment.
Every single object shown in the photo above flouts one of our guidelines. The Sanka Ashtray (the very first story we published) is a promotional item. The Pen Stand is an example of midcentury pop culture ephemera (sort of). The Smiling Mug (which became an emblem of the experiment, after numerous bloggers writing about Significant Objects used it as an illustration) is a novelty item. The Toy Hot Dog is a toy. And the Kneeling Man Figurine is a human figurine. Oh, well. Nobody’s perfect.
But what you really want to know is: What about that Scottish Doll? It never went up for sale at all! Fair enough. Here’s the deal: nobody wanted to write about it. We offered it to at least a dozen writers, and got no takers. Why? Perhaps because it’s (a) midcentury pop culture ephemera, (b) a toy, (c) a travel souvenir, and (d) a doll. That is to say, it’s just too laden with pre-made significance; it would require a herculean effort to write something interesting about it. Maybe. We’ll never know, I guess, because a few months ago I got sick of looking at the damn thing and threw it into the garbage.
Via a poem by Robert Burns, let us now bid farewell to the Scottish Doll:
Farewell, dear friend ! may guid luck hit you,
And, ‘mang her favorites admit you!
If e’er Detraction shone to smit you,
May nane believe him.
And ony De’il that thinks to get you,
Good Lord deceive him.
November 25th, 2009 at 9:53 am
By the way, if anyone feels moved to write a six-word story about the Scottish Doll, post the story to this comments section. If we get enough responses, we’ll pick a winner and award a prize of some sort.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Rigid spine, aye. Can’t reach penny.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
For sale: one wee sporran, unused.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
In the spirit of Hemmingway:
For sale: One doll, incredibly creepy.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
He and Barbie dated in 1988.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
One Christmas, it’s all I got.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Got slapped when asked, “No underpants?”
November 30th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Ken’s gay lover wore no underpants.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Oh, wait.. another one:
Abe Lincoln choked “You’re going commando!?!?!?!?!?!”
November 30th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Ken’s foreign lover wore no underpants.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
She used to be a goth!
November 30th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Red and green, the new black.
November 30th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Amid garbage, I saw the stars.
November 30th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Whatever gets her through the funeral.
November 30th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
“Yard sale?”
“Yup.”
“Dad hated it.”
November 30th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Drap mah sporran fur ‘at penny
November 30th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Move over, Chieftains…Scotland will prevail!
November 30th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Can’t wear skivvies; disrupts alien frequencies.
November 30th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
No, I am not anatomically correct.
November 30th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Alas, bad haggis did him in.
November 30th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Biscuits, sausages, pasties, beans on toast.
November 30th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Mythical “lost” Object becomes most Significant.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:42 am
Side effects may include: Rigor mortis.
December 1st, 2009 at 5:29 am
Yea, Scottish paedophiles: Wearing no knickers!
December 1st, 2009 at 8:50 am
Glasgow lass. Christmas gift. Glasgow kiss.
(Requires a certain knowledge of British dialect.)
December 1st, 2009 at 11:21 am
“Ha, a doll? Really?”
“Action figure.”
December 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Into the garbage with a Highland “Fling.”
December 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Rode in Barbie’s convertible with Ken.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:59 pm
A Highland “Fling” into the garbage!
December 1st, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Great Scot! I have been trashed.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Tossed away, aye. Kiss my kilt!
December 1st, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Scots do love a pretty penny
December 1st, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I’m cheap but not this cheap.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Will play for words. Scot free!
December 1st, 2009 at 1:57 pm
The Scottish sellout of the year.
Perfectly plaid this sad mad lad.
Call the doll you call Paul.
You’ll feel jolly with this dolly.
Because everybody likes strapping young men.
Penny sold separately, batteries not included.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Lost Wimbledon to otherworldly Blancmange. Fie!
December 1st, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Scottish doctors pioneered the artificial heart.
December 1st, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Her eyes, they haunt me still.
December 1st, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Penny for your thoughts, Scottish dreamer!
December 1st, 2009 at 10:23 pm
A throwaway thought- is ‘Glenn’ Scottish?
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:38 am
Metheothertwin — LOL
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:48 am
What’s up the kilt is different…
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Can you hear the pipes, Callum?
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Will play my own farewell song
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:09 am
Mission accomplished. Beam me up, Scotty!
December 6th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
We have a winner: It’s Diane Kimbrell, for “A Highland ‘Fling’ into the garbage!” Ms. Kimbrell, I’ll drop you a line. Thanks, everyone, for entering the contest. Let’s do this again…