Absolution Figurine

By |

Object No. 37 of 50 — Significant Objects v3

[The auction for this object, with story by Colleen Werthmann, has ended. Original price: $3.00. Final price: $11.50. Significant Objects will donate proceeds from this auction to Girls Write Now.]

During the Sacraments, cheat out. That way the whole church can see you, and your parents can get a nice picture, not just the back of your head.

“In my thoughts, and in my words, in what I have failed to do, and what I have done.” Pretty much covers your bases. Except when you do something partway. I guess you add those kinda things in during the silent part before “Amen.”

Overhead swoops and dots for eyes. Manufactured craftsmanship. Keep ’em affordable for the poorer folks, the factory folks. The Ford plant donates the shirts for the softball team at St. Agnes.

Cute when the kids get their First Communion, though. Usually draws a big crowd. They like to schedule it on Holy Thursday, but that’s a bit of a downer. Makes the kids feel sorta crummy. Best to do it on a Sunday morning.

The altar kids (boys and girls, now!) pick their nails during the homily, hoping nobody’s watching. They wear nice pants and nice shoes under their cassocks, no sneakers, definitely no sneakers. Scheduled depending on who has a swim meet, who’s got ice time, who’s visiting their relatives. In the sacristy now, one of the Eucharistic Ministers is always around ahead of time. You know, just in case.

Disillusionment is a box of Communion wafers. 1000 quantity. Sale price $11.89, originally $16.99. You save $5.10!

In the ’80s, when AIDS came out, the Church was like, “It’s OK to take Communion with your hands, not have the priest put it on your tongue.”

It’s not the words, it’s what’s in your heart, that’s what the priest said to my grandma, when she cried, age 102, that she couldn’t remember the words to the basic prayers any more, tears sliding into her ears. Clutching and picking at the blankets. Remember what we talked about, Eileen? It’s not the words, it’s what’s in your heart. And she would repeat her new prayer, her prayer of trying so hard, over and over.


Colleen Werthmann has written for The Huffington Post, the late great satirical website 23/6, and McSweeney's; she recently wrote jokes for the Oscars. She is also a New York-based actress, currently appearing in Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson at The Public Theater.

3 thoughts on “Absolution Figurine

  1. Pingback: 5 Author Updates (1) | Significant Objects

  2. Pingback: Author Updates | Significant Objects

  3. Pingback: Author Updates | Significant Objects

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *